Prayer, the power of challenging your thinking pattern, yielding your own thoughts, and hearing God’s heart. Sy Sromanieson In my last post, I spoke about my life from the vantage point of living with no prayer involved in my life. I only knew prayer as something we did near someone's death or beside their actual death bed but questioned whether it was for the living. I ended my post by stating that I would talk about how my idea of prayer shifted when I entered New Age belief systems. New Age belief systems came to me in the year 2017. To put it shortly, I was burnt out on my teacher career and my marriage. I was falling deep into using vices as an escape. I was excusing my wife's behavior of being out at a bar till 4am almost every weekend with my own bottle of wine and my own secrets. On the other end, I had just happened to get my wife a job at the school I had been teaching at for four years & I started to feel like my offerings weren't appreciated when she chose my coworkers and booze every weekend instead of me. Truthfully, I also felt jealous and as if my job was being threatened; she was more of an extrovert and it was easier for her to make herself known in the school. I had been there for several years and still felt like no one truly knew me but my six and seven year old students. I was also having major ptsd episodes from my trauma. I couldn't be out socially without fearing someone was going to drug my drink & take advantage of me, again. In the end, I wish I could have seen the light before even saying yes to marriage-- I wish I didn't have to put someone through a marriage that I wasn't ready for. New Age practices helped me process why I said yes in the first place (people pleasing) which brings me to the beginning of it all... It started with an aerial yoga teacher training. I had become hooked on aerial yoga during my marriage. It became a healthy escape and I needed a practice of my own to shine at since my wife was playing softball every weekend.
At the training, I learned about my chakras, oils, affirmations, and tarot cards for the first time. I was shocked at how accurate my tarot card was: depletion was the word and the art depicted was a beached whale. My cup was in fact very empty & I was parched like a whale out of water. The tarot cards were goddesses & it was the first time I really saw woman depicted as powerful. I wanted to know more. A few weeks later, I had set off for my first yoga & sound retreat in Hawaii. I booked this retreat as a moment for me to basically decide whether or not I wanted to go through with a divorce. At that point, we were strangers in a house together. Fast forward to after the trip, I asked for a divorce and quit my job. I dived deeper into New Age.
I started teaching aerial yoga, I traveled back to Maui and did a work trade with the retreat center, I traveled to Thailand to get trained in yoga and sound healing, I started reading tarot cards, I started my own healing business, I studied and used Shamanic healing, I searched endlessly for my twin flame, I spent so much money on 6K coaches, I played my singing bowls, I thought I was a reincarnation of a well known diety that processed everyone's trauma though her body, I taught fifth dimension and ascension practices, I thought I AM and thought I AM and thought I AM and thought I AM until one day, those thoughts fell away like quicksand and I had to deal with the reality that I AM NOT.... I am not those things which give me so much false power. The hardest reality to face was that I am just Laura.
The easiest reality to face was that I am exactly who the Creator made me to be. In the New Age, prayer was about jumping into other dimensions and collecting people's soul fragments on their behalf. Little did I know that I'd pick up some demons on the way, even if I had affirmed "my protection" over and over again. There was one night where I was in and out of my body about five times on behalf of helping a friend process a heavy load. The next day, I was throwing up the debris all day. This is when I knew that I was not powerful at all. This shouldn't be a part of the process, I need better "boundaries" I thought. There's no doubt that these experiences shaped me. I processed a heavy load of my trauma. So I want to make it very clear that my goal is not to downplay New Age practices but rather explain that just like religion, we can take it too far to the point where it actually does more harm than good. I've always fallen short on playing the role of the optimistic person. I'd call myself more of a pessimistic or cynical person than I would sunshine and rainbows. You'd probably only know this if you really took the time to get to know me behind the Instagram square. This is not to say that I am creating fake realities, but rather that there is only so much you can say in a fleeting post. If you've contacted me in messenger to really get to know me, thank you. I appreciate you. Now this does not mean that I condone complaining but rather that I like to accept realities as they are. When I was a teen, I definitely called myself a "legit emo." I used to watch the emo mentality catch fire like a wave on other people and shake my head. I would know who was legit and who was just there for the vans, black eyeliner, and the cute punk rock, skater boys. Welcome to my cynicism. When I say I was legit emo, I mean I was EMOTIONAL. I mean I was "just a kid and life WAS a nightmare." I mean I couldn't afford vans but I could have probably used some therapy. There were people in my emo circle who just loved the music and the style but weren't able to understand the ramifications of what emo music was truly trying to express: that life is about suffering. Why am I telling this story? Because I felt the same way in the New Age. I was there for the trauma healing not to repeat positive affirmations over and over again. I was there to try and fix the detrimental money system, not use my divine breath to heal my money wound, make 6K, and get rich off of Christ Consciousness. This explanation is far from over but to cut this post short until next time, I've realized this... To know the Creator, one must know themselves first. New Age helped me to know myself better & to see past the illusion of trauma but once that veil is cleared, let us not take it too far to where we think we know ourselves better than the Creator does. This is the same BS that happens under cathedrals everyday. I see it like this... I might have a perception of an artist's painting & if I never talk to that artist, I might carry around a false knowing of that art and maybe even of that artist. That artist might even agree with my perception if we do talk but at the end of the day, only the artist gets a say in the true meaning of their creation. Who am I to think I know? We've landed in a time where we are obsessed with knowing & assuming rather than having a conversation. Prayer, for me, has gone from willing it into my existence because New Age says I am worthy of it to having a conversation with God because I know I am worthy to get insight from Him & I know I am capable of handling the Truth. Because the truth is that God may have made me seperate from everyone else for a reason & maybe, you too. Maybe God isnt asking you to cross the line into other dimensions but rather asking you to stay on your side so that when you converse with Him, you KNOW exactly what to deliver to Him... Prayer is now about bringing the human to the feet of Jesus and asking Him to carry them Home if it is in His will & theirs. My boundary line is Jesus.