“One of the realities we’re all called to go through is to move from repulsion to compassion and from compassion to wonderment.” - Mother Teresa
Two years ago, I was swimming in my own sea of "belief system" repulsion. When I say that, many assume that if I was having such repulsions, I must have been a part of a church then!
The assumption being that if I was ready to "go against the grain" of the majority, then I must have been repulsed by an establishment pushing the Bible upon me…
It was quite the opposite. In fact, I believe that is what makes my story both different and yet, personally difficult for me to express to others at times.
When I tell my story, people automatically assume that I am trying to say, "I was converted! I was saved!"
I will admit that when I first felt compelled to study Christianity, I wondered, myself, if those statements were true.
Is that what is happening? Could that be true? What is happening to me? Why did I suddenly go from Buddhism & Shamanism to listening to Christian podcasts and feeling deeply attuned to the story of Job in the Bible?
With time, I learned that there was and is some truth to those statements for it seems…
I WAS converted – (to more unity compassion) and I WAS saved – (from separating myself from the whole).
But not in the way you may think.
Last night, I attended a very unique Spring Equinox ceremony with my partner. We made the almost two hour trip to a church that was hosting a Shamanic & Christian Spring Equinox Ceremony For Unity.
Yes, you read that correctly; a ceremony from the lens of both Shamanism and Christianity held at a church! Wow!! AND IN THE MIDWEST!!
Here is an interesting side story to how I found this ceremony. For those of you that do not know, I have been divorced now for over six years. I was previously married to a woman. The person who invited me to this ceremony was the officiant who wed my ex-partner and I!
What a testimony to the way of connection,right? Here I was, ready to explore if I could WED Shamanism and Christianity– blissed in the wonderment of unity!
Allow me to rewind even more now to my childhood.I grew up with no religious background. I did not attend church. I never read the Bible nor even spoke about Jesus, Saints, Mother Mary, or angels for that matter. It was all very foreign and even awkward to me. However, I appreciate the way that my parents allowed me to have a "blank slate."
The only time I ever heard about God was when I would see my beloved Aunt Judy, who was recently delivered back home this past November. I truly believe that one of the reasons I was called to read the Bible for the first time last year was so that I could sit next to her at her hospital bed, stare into her loving eyes and talk about Jesus as if we both knew him–and in my heart, I truly believe we both do know him.
My aunt and I unfortunately shared similar traumas. She knew pain the way I knew pain and I believe when she learned about Jesus, it allowed her to finally live her life in peace. He has been doing the same for me. I feel a connection to Jesus that I do not feel with my spirit animals when studying Shamanism. Not better than, just different.
To fast forward this story, around the time of my divorce, I began to study various ways to heal trauma including yoga, sound healing, energy work, plant medicine, meditation and more. I left my job as a full time elementary school teacher to study these various forms–in order to heal the sexual and ptsd trauma I endured and then give that healing back to others.
While learning healing tools, I also learned about various cultures and their traditions spiritually. I started to feel more inclined to the belief systems instead of just the physical healing side of the traditions. I wanted to know what and how they believed in life beyond the physical. I explored working with various guides including spirit animals, various Goddesses and Gods, angels & my higher self. But I avoided Jesus at all costs!
I could barely say the name Jesus without cringing. I never said God either. Even when referring to guides such as Zeus, I never said "the God, Zeus." I was seriously bothered by saying or hearing it. I automatically assumed we were talking about two different worlds.
People in or around the healing communities I was a part of would talk poorly about the Bible & Christianity and I would whole-heartedly agree (even though I had no room or knowledge to speak of such a thing that I had never partook in).
This is where the story takes a steep turn. At the end of 2021, I suddenly started to feel "off" in my belief systems. To be clear, my belief systems were a pot of everything (except Christianity) but mainly, I would call it "New Age."
To put it frankly, it seemed like the essence of the negatives that people were speaking of regarding Christians being judgemental was actually the same essence we were creating in the New Age when we would subtly "push" concepts on others like healing crystals, chakras and traveling to other dimensions…and when one did not resonate with those concepts, it seemed like we were "lower" than the others…
For example, it seemed like if I did not understand how to get to the 12th dimension to "raise my frequency" then I was automatically deemed a "low frequency" and sort of an outcast from the group. There were other subtle hierarchies that existed that also did not sit well with me. I even honestly experienced some people saying to me that they "cut me off energetically" in these groups.
To me, I did not feel love or compassion or acceptance anymore. To me, these "subtle standards" felt like situations that would happen in a church or even worse, a cult.
This is where my heart-tide shifted; my inner moon was swelling and I kept having dreams of tsunamis. Then, one night while I was living on the Big Island in Hawaii, nestled in bed to the sound of pouring rain, I was shot awake from a dream about Noah. I was witnessing Noah on the ark, fighting the urge to let others inside the ark and I heard very loudly, "Shut the back door!" I woke up in an instant and I knew that the voice wanted me to explore this dream more.
To this day, I am still trying to make sense of that dream but all I know is that it led me to study Noah and the flood. What stood out to me the most is that after the flood, God said, "I will never do that again." I was intrigued because in my dream, it seemed like Noah was fighting the urge for unity and separation...do I let others in?
Suddenly, I was reading the Bible front to back and studying Christianity. I was finding that I could relate to the stories in the Bible. "These people know pain like I know pain," I thought. The way I saw it is that they were not concerned with getting to another dimension in the Bible but simply put, they wanted healing. They were not bypassing the suffering. Instead, they made it very clear that there was suffering. I felt this way too.
When I started to explore churches though…I yet again, found both unity and separation within them but mostly, I found judgement. Many Christian podcasts spoke about Shamanism as the anti-christ--amongst many other claims towards Buddhism, yoga, energy work & more. Suddenly, this ALSO felt unloving and fear based...
Here I was again, lost at sea. Repulsed.
Where IS the unity?
I asked God this question over and over again and one day, I heard,
"It is in the creation."
“Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.”- Mother Teresa
We are creating it. We are paving the path forward. How do we begin? Person to person.
One of the aspects I loved about the Shamanic & Christian blended ceremony the most last night was when Pastor Brian said, "It is important to tell the truth."
The truth involves ALL admitting where we caused (and cause) more separation than unity–and I believe the truth to be told is not just for Christian churches but for all belief systems…personal and collective.
I am not sure what this looks like in the future but what I do know is that last night gave me a much better picture of what it could be…and with this vision, I will continue to lead with the wonderment of what we could create beyond repulsion and into compassion.
Much love for reading.
Also, if you want to attend the Summer Solstice with us, please reach out for details!