My Softness & My Earthquakes: Being An Empath PART 1
My softness to my armor, "You don't need to protect me from the war. You only need to allow me the space to compassionately take the war...
I humbly started this blog at the beginning of 2022. I do not regret starting this blog, nor any specific blog post that I wrote but I did "cease my public words" in exchange for some "private editing."
In one of my very first blog posts, I wrote this prayer at the end of my post, "Lord, I pray that you infuse my writing with the love of your words. I pray that if I overstep or mistake the love of your words that I will notice, admit my false statement and move on with the trueness that you so gracefully give to me in return."
It did not occur to me how powerful that prayer would actually be for God genuinely, and suddenly, put a loving pause on my writing.
God pulled me into a private editing where I felt more torn than ever. What if I write something and then later on, I don't believe that anymore??? PANGED ME.
"To believe in God or in a guiding force because someone tells you to is the height of stupidity. We are given senses to receive our information with. With our own eyes we see, and with our skin we feel. With our intelligence, it is intended that we understand. But each person must puzzle it out for himself or herself." Sophy Burnham
I started this "blog about transformation" because I had just entered a catalytic moment in my belief system and I wanted to share that with the world. To catch you up quickly; I, a former agnostic then a former lover of Buddhism, read the Bible for the first time and began to explore the possibility of becoming a Christian.
I took it upon myself to "puzzle it out" by listening to Christian podcasts where I found my understanding of life constantly meeting both confirmation and confusion.
While I was inspired and felt understood on a spiritual level that I had not yet before, I also felt like I, and entire other race of individuals who hold different yet, quite similar, belief systems, were being shamed.
There is no doubt that when I read the part of the Bible where Jesus was the main character, I knew deep within my heart that I needed to read Jesus's words. I felt truth--unexplainable truth. But, I also still believed the words of Buddha were that same unexplainable truth.
I cried during the scene in the movie, Thai Cave Rescue when the coach, a Buddhist, told the Christian boy "You don't have to be Buddhist to meditate."
Several boys and their coach were stuck inside of a cave from a Monsoon (based on a true story).
I felt a sense of familiar knowing when everyone was praying for the boys in the cave--some with their cross and some to the goddess of the cave but all were using the same force--FAITH.
That feeling of wholeness gave me more joy than the feeling that I needed to outcast those beliefs I held.
"THAT!" I shouted at the TV, "THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT GOD!" That feeling of accepting one another--why does that seem so far away and yet, in that moment of panic and fear with the cave, it was there? Where can I get more of that, without the panic and fear?
In my lifelong but debilitating desire to achieve perfectionism, I wanted so badly to "get it right" for once. That is, I wanted my spiritual practice to be perfect--unharmful to myself and others and perhaps, that's why God led me where he did:
Because I have learned is that almost every spiritual practice has the tendency to lean more towards "perfecting" than "loving" one another.
God slowed me down through discernment, impressing questions upon me such as, "Get it perfect for who?"
In conclusion, I have indeed transformed by reading the Bible this year. I am not entirely who I was before but who I AM based on where I was actually became more clear in this process. God calls me "shapeshifter" often. I wonder why (smirks and rolls eyes).
I have a newfound understanding about spiritual concepts that I did not contain prior. I named this blog "Led By Design" because I believe we have to be open to being LED by the design rather than forcing our will upon it. It's just a speculation though--not a hard fact.
Whatever that design may be! I cannot tell you what that looks like for I haven't the slightest clue myself but I know that God (as I call it) is the force that is guiding me.
God to me is the "Greater Ordained Directive." Or Decision. Or Direction. Or Dance!
I will continue to write in this blog about my journey, my reflections and my transformations. I invite you to read this blog with the eyes and ears of the "diary genre" of writing. A diary is a refection of personal thoughts rather than a dictation of "what is or is not." It is both fictional and non-fictional in it's own way. It is not me telling you what to believe or what not to believe.
In conclusion, I only know what I know when I know it and even then, I know I have the power to "unknow it" if it serves myself and others better.
"Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful." Colossians 3:14-17