The issue, for me, about walking into new territory has always been that I have remained loyal for so long to a person, idea, or group, that I cannot seem to let go of the idea.
I can let go physically. I can leave the relationship, quit the job, change communities...but there, in my heart, lives a big gapping hole of "I'm sorry I had to go."
Through prayerful moments with God, I am learning that people do not put me on pedestals as much as I put myself upon them. I was shown a scene from when I was an Early Childhood Teacher and set the expectation for myself that "I will be here until these kindergarteners are graduating middle school."
This pedestal and expectation is what kept me from moving on for the last two years of my teaching career. The reality is, I do believe in loyalty. I do believe that those kids deserve a familar face for the long haul. I do believe in commitment and the village mentality.
For the past several years, I have learned that God did not design me to stay in places, ideas, constructs or expectations; he designed me to be the initiator, the one who opens doors and walks without strength into the unknown;
the one who forges a new path by the will of faith.
It does not get any easier to stand at the edge of the water and watch one wave roll out so the other can roll in. The pauseful moment when the waves pass each other by is like holding your breath under water; am I going to come out on the other side?
Yes, you will.
I will be honest. Sometimes, I get jealous of people who are so sure of themselves. From time to time, I think of a friend who once told me she always knew she was going to be a mother and have a little family. I cried and pleaded with God one day, "How come I am not so sure, like her?"
The response was loving but strict? To the point. Kind of like a dad who demands you to "Stop listening to what those mean girls say about you!" It felt like that. The response thundered in, "Because that is NOT how I made YOU!"
I am the everchanging one. The one who ironically cannot stand being on Earth most days but wants to explore all of Her nooks and crannies and try on different "clothes" while I am living on Her terrain.
I am here for new and profound awakenings and I will only be able to grasp them in the moments when I am not so sure of myself; for that is when I fall on faith and she carries me
she leads the way.
To others, it may seem like I am "hot and cold." In God's eyes, I am hot and cold; like fire and ice. I'm testing the waters and putting my hand over the flames.
Doing what God designed you to do is difficult in a world that defines belonging as sameness. Belonging is knowing that God put you on this Earth to do what only you can do...
Whether that is being a mother, traveling the world, owning a business, being a lover to many, healing others or what have you...
Just like a jacket uses wool and a sundress uses linen, you were designed to cover a specfic purpose that is not just meaningful, but deeply accepted. Much love.