Anemic Efforts, Glitter Days & Social Awkwardness

The sun rises spreading pinks and purples across the midwestern sky as I crawl out of bed ready for the daily routine. It feels good to be back into a routine and not throwing my little mystic, free-spirited beingness all over the place like glitter and then hoping I can make sense of where it all landed.

I still believe there is a beauty to that girl who loved her "free-spirited glitter days." I woke up with no plan on most days and I let myself be drawn, like a downstream river, to whatever and wherever suited my energy for that day.

To break free of the rigid lifestyle I lived before I let that wild-hearted girl awake felt like a dream come true!

But not all dreams coming true reveal a truth you expected.

You would think that the free-spirited lifestyle would be less exhausting, yeah? More rest. More play. Less rules & responsibilities.

Though, I discovered that after awhile it took more work for me to clean up the glitter than it did for me make a plan for the day, commit & follow through.

It turns out that it didn't matter what lifestyle I was living--free-spirited or rigid business spirited-- my efforts were never enough.

I was drowning in a turbulent sea of pushing and proving in both lifestyles and I thought "I better just keep swimming right?"

I believed in that saying, "You got yourself into this mess alone, you better get yourself out."

But the reality is that you can't swim when you're actually drowning. That's the point of drowning after all. And when you're drowning, you have no ability to pull yourself out alone. It's impossible.

So while I thought I was swimming towards some grand realization or a light on the other side of the tsunami, I was actually under the water, blacked out & slowly being pulled to the bottom of the deep blue sea.

On another note, not only was I unaware that I was drowning but instead of praying for what I needed, I was thinking of everyone else around me that needed my prayers "more than me."

I continously hung onto the thought that my issues were not as rough as other people had it and I better just "stop being a spoiled brat."

I heard a song lyric the other day that spoke about the notion of comparing our traumas to one another. I think the world is really feeling the weight of "We don't have it as bad as the people in Ukraine right now, let's not complain."

But in this song, the lyric was simple "I kind of feel like two things can be sad." #ajr

The reality is exactly that--two things can be sad.

The fact that your business hasn't taken off yet is sad. So is a war. Both are sad.

While I prayed out "just keep swimming towards the light" to my friends who I deemed had it worse than me, mine was slowly fading.

Towards the end, it got really dark and the thought crossed my mind

"Is anyone praying for me though?"

But hey, it was the best drowning I could have ever drowned because of what pulled me out of it: my inadequacies & my weaknesses.

It forced me to ask for help from the one being who is definitely always praying on my behalf.

Like most people, however, I had no idea how to "rely on Jesus" or "ask for help."

I barely knew how to ask for support from a human incarnate, how was I going to manage asking Jesus, in the figment of my imagination, for help???

Well, here's how it went folks.

"Um...hey? So I'm speaking to Jesus...I'm, uh, can you get me Jesus I mean? Like well, anyways, I guess I need help from that guy so can you get him for me? Are you here?"

It's still painfully awkward for me to speak out loud to Jesus but it is getting better. I mean, the reality is that I hate speaking out loud to humans in general so you can imagine how uncomfortable it is to speak directly to the guy we call the King!

Thank God, no pun intended, for the trash bin icon on voice memos otherwise I would have sent some really ridiculous voic