If I wasn't proving that I had it all together, I was proving that I didn't have it all together!
Before my spiritual transformation in the New Age, I was on a binge of proving my human potentional. At the moment, I had no concern for my soul.
I was full of wine on the evenings and Starbucks in the morning and all in the name of "See, I'm the most productive teacher ever. I might have to exchange my health for it but hey, I'm only concerned about my image right now."
After I left my teaching career, the knob to prove my human potentional turned way down [and my caffeine withdrawals spiked.]
I watched as other brave souls stepped forward to tell their stories of shifting from the rushed and action-filled lifestyle to a deeper & more transcendent experience; from the soul first. It quickly became another lifestyle for me to "prove" I was good at.
I had to know it all. All the best meditations, the number sequences, the structure of the tarot, all the personality tests and which one I liked best, the sound frequencies, how to download a psychic message, how to channel a spirit, how to know when my friends were in danger, how to process everyone's trauma, the best vegan regimines, how to...
Never once was I okay with bringing me to the table. I brought my doingness and my knowingness to the table but refused to just sit down & be.
There's a subtle fear that if we are not constantly bringing something to the table outwardly, that we won't be accepted inwardly and that people will look past our soul. But sometimes, we don't sit long enough to see if that's true or false!
Proving is pure exhaustion no matter what end of the fire stick you're burning from and no matter the spiritual or human experience you're seeking.
I hear "You're enough" in so many self-love, enlightenment based settings but what I see is a long list of spiritual concepts or self-care regimens that you must get or do.
I am learning that nothing will prove that I am enough because our definition of enough is skewed & I don't have the answer for that.
I believe there is a difference between showing that you're putting in the hard work and grasping for anyone to validate you by your productivity-- whether that be human or spiritual proof.
When I shifted my focus to a more God-alone centered approach, I realized that within religions, therein lies proving but with God-alone, there is no need.
Last night I was laying down on the floor of my prayer room with my feet propped up and over the curve of the couch cushion. My hands were on my head and as I took a breath, I asked Jesus for a word regarding this topic to which he responded "There is human potentional and there is God potentional."
Often, we cross and blur those lines. Within the sphere of human potentional there is only so much for us to prove because at best, we will always fall and fail. The sphere of God is perfection, absolute, and there is no need for God to need anyone else to be in that sphere with Him.
God isn't asking us to prove we are Him [absolute perfection]. When He gives us spiritual gifts, it's never about us being validated.
Jesus was not worried about proving He was the son of God through his human willpower alone. He knew that God would prove Himself when Jesus was resurrected.
I think about this a lot. Did Jesus spend his time running around trying to get validated as the son of God? No. He was obedient to his mission; heal people, teach people and spread the Good News. Sure, He let people know He was the son of God but He did not need people to believe Him to know He was truthful.
He trusted His Father to his own human potential because even towards the end of his death, he cried out "God, why have you forsaken me?"
Jesus always reminds me that while he was very spiritual, he was also very human and so am I. Personally, this notion helps my body to soften when I'm speaking to him instead of dragging myself through the desert of repentance, parched and pleading for spiritual waters & crying "I had no idea!"
Jesus rejoices for me when I don't know. How could I?
When I realize that I don't have to show up with all the answers or the proof to Jesus, all of the knobs turn way down and I can hear that the world I perceived to be disorderly and unkempt around me is actually something holy and beautiful.
[1: Thessalonians 4:7]
Seven Bridges. WI