I have been seeking perfection for so long that I am kind of grateful I missed out on the whole religion vibe growing up. I cannot imagine how much worse my perfectionism would be had I been sitting in a pew every day listening to an agenda...
And yet, it is sad but true to say that even though my parents made an effort to not let religion into my life, I could not avoid it affecting my decisions in life for religion somehow paints itself over society as that which covers us, that which "makes us great."
Religion does not make us great.
Only God does that.
It is time for God to cover me/us, not the remnants of religion that linger and leak their way into the way we teach our children, the way we gather as a community, the way we run our businesses, and the way we show up for our family structures.
I remember the first time I smelled the gas leak of religion creeping into my life. I was a teen, silently suffering from sexual abuse, who later discovered her love for being in partnership with a woman and then, later on discovered she still loved men. I was a "contradictory" statement and "unloveable."
Suddenly, everything in my life was meant to be silent and hidden; the love I was expressing and my sexual abuse--both of which I was afraid to share for the fear of being "wrong."
So, why then, did I decide to read the Bible for the first time at the age of 32 this year? Why would I put myself back into that silent, shame chamber?
It is complicated, to say the least, but I now know that God has been guiding me this whole time...
Because we cannot go back to the beginning...
And we need death more...
I had to go back to the beginning to remember why we need death right now.
I believe the Bible holds true experiences and true people and true essence...I feel God pulsating through the Bible...
But dare I say, it lacks a growth edge?
In my heart, I feel it is truth though it is not the final say.
I am learning to go directly to God for the final say and to truly, without contradictions, come as I am to God and know that He will be honest but He will not ever expect perfection.
Humans are not meant for perfection. I think of my body,mind, spirit like a carbonated bottle at times.
If I am trying to achieve perfection at all times, it is like I am constantly shaking that bottle until it bursts and then, I purge myself all over the place. Essentially, trying to be perfect all of the time causes me to be more like a mess.
On the flipside, if I do not care at all about growing as a person, I will likely leave the cap off, become flat, and at risk of being consumed by tiny ants and flies.
These days, I care more about my carbonation flowing effortlessly; more like a lava lamp. It is fluid and marvelous and yet, challenging to figure out. You never really know where those blobs are going to go or how they will form with others. But the thing moving the Lava?
Always the warmth and glow of God.
I know, anyone with a serious degree in God would point out how flawed and "hippie" that statement is but...
That is exactly how I experience God--like a five-year-old staring into that marvelous lava lamp thinking and questioning, "How does it do that?"