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Crisis of Faith

Last year I had a crisis of faith that turned my world upside down. I quickly learned, by being "called out on it" from a friend, that my crisis of faith was meant to be explored in private editing, rather than blasted on public display.

In other words, my transition was not this new "world revelation" that I needed to go out and tell the masses..."Its saving me so it will save you..."

No, it was not that...not even CLOSE. It was time to hibernate & let myself be pulled deeper into the unknown.

Why was I suddenly resonating with Christianity?

My inward journey began with that question.

To put it as concise as possible, I absolutely embraced and enjoyed the way Christians loved Jesus.  It felt similar to how I love the essence of Quan Yin, how I love the power of Madame Pele, how I love mindfulness of Buddha. I also loved parables and metaphorical linguistics. I loved the way a pastor could make an entire point from one phrase in the Bible. I still love that.

I saw my crisis of faith as painful. I was internally wrecked transitioning from following Buddhism, Mayan cycles & New Age theologies to Christianity...and then I was internally wrecked, again, when after all was said and done, I did not want to continue to follow Christianity to the bone either...

I profoundly realized this; I did not want Christianity or Buddhism or New Age concepts.

I simply wanted God and it turns out, I found God was within all of them, thus God was in ALL of me & in all facets of my experience.

I wanted ressurectional love, not sacrificial love.

I think Christianity was the one following where I truly believed God was absolutely "not present" & I wanted to make sure I was right about that. It turns out I was both wrong and right. He was there & he also was not there.

Now, I understand that God is within all theologies AND so are humans, so are human conditions, so is human fear... so is duality.

My desire to read the Bible actually stemmed from the idea that I might be wrong. "Wrongness" is a feeling of polarity & duality--often felt in the body and mind as the emotion of FEAR.

Had I not felt the "fear" of being possibly "wrong" I would have never read the Bible, thus never taking the inward journey that ultimately led to a much more profound experience than I originally suspected.

Conditions are what led me into my crisis in the first place. I became aware that New Age spirituality seemed to have more and more restrictions & I felt more like religious dogmas were being placed on me over the essence of unconditional love.

I have learned that I was only labeling this crisis of faith as punishment because I was judging my experience.

"Take away the judgement, release the pain."

A friend lightened the load for me yesterday by reminding me that life is simply an experience; impermanent, ever-changing and actually, can be quite enjoyable despite the many turns.

Not every transition, crisis, or existential problem needs to be received as "shocking" and dramatic. It is all an experience for you to understand, even better, Who You Really Are. Release your desire to take everything so personally & allow yourself to be transformed by the experience.

I just read an article of a disciple of the Mayan cycles that went through a similar crisis & it brought so much clarity and love to my soul. I leave with this piece that I truly resonated with,

"I need more quietude and active humility than much of church-going Christianity inspires. I like to think of Christ the way he was, trekking through empty desert expanse between townships of terribly sick and lost sufferers, with that magickal ability to heal, work miracles. I just love his essence, and I do so like a celebrity-worshiping teenager: gaga, in a mania, because he has something star-like that burns through my darkness."

Thankful for the crisis that revealed more of Who I Really Am. 🙏🐕☀️

This photo was the same exact photo I used when I started my blog about my journey into Christianity and so, I leave on the same note...this time with an entirely different meaning...

"From anything BUT God, to it's ALL God..."

Peace be within us all.

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